Hate small talk?

Does the thought of making small talk fill you with dread? You’re not alone. Most people dislike idle chitchat because it feels fake and a waste of time. If you have ADHD, making small talk likely is one of your least favorite things to do.

Over the years, I have listened to clients describe the lengths they go to avoid making small talk. They arrive at class just after the bell rings, skip lunches, and turn down invitations for social events because they were preceded by a period likely to include the need for “small talk.” Surviving small talk is not a small problem for many people with ADHD.

Why is this trivial style of conversation so difficult for some people with ADHD? The problem lies in the very definition. Small talk is the art of conversing about “unimportant” things—things that are uninteresting to people with active, creative ADHD brains.

I like the definition given by the Urban Dictionary best when it defines small talk as:

“Useless and unnecessary conversation attempted to fill the silence in an awkward situation. It commonly backfires into feelings of loneliness and social discomfort. Usually, it is initiated by comments regarding the current weather, weather patterns of the past/future few days, or major weather disturbances in the recent past. (Insert yawn here). Lucky for those people who find the weather incredibly interesting. And for the rest of us…a topic about as interesting as discussing paint drying.”

Individuals with ADHD are not alone in perceiving small talk as trivial. Studies indicate that people generally prefer engaging in deeper and more meaningful discussions. Conversations with greater substance are associated with increased happiness and well-being. Beyond social norms and etiquette, we are inherently social beings. Meaningful conversations foster stronger connections. In simple terms, discussing topics that truly matter—rather than trivialities—contributes to our happiness.

That said, starting a conversation is not always easy. Dialogue doesn’t always flow on a date, dinner party, or even with a loved one. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. Here are six ways to turn small talk into more meaningful conversations.

1. Ask open-ended questions. Starting a question with a “what” leads to fuller answers and expands the conversation. “What” questions encourage introspection and show you are genuinely interested in the other person’s experience.
2. Be curious. Ask questions that will help you find common topics. Avoid asking the predictable questions like, “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?” Be curious about the people you meet. Find out what makes them unique, what you have in common, and what new interesting things you might learn. Instead, ask, “What’s something most people don’t appreciate about your work?” or “What’s one of your fondest memories growing up?”
3. Ask for advice. People love to talk about themselves and their experiences. Studies show that talking about ourselves feels good. It activates the same brain areas as eating good food and being with people we like. Note: When making small talk, remember that this is about asking the other person for advice and their experiences.
4. Apply generous listening. Generous listening involves hearing the words the other person is saying and paying attention to what they are not saying. Try to notice when the topic is something the other person is passionate about. You’ll know this when the speed of their speech increases. Their eyes light up. And they seem to be unaware of much else but the topic. Once that happens, all you have to do is listen.
5. Consider the 80/20 rule. The aim is to get the other person talking 80% of the time while you talk 20% of the time. The right questions will do this. Getting the other person talking is one of the best ways to get through small talk.
6. Give the long answer. Holding up your end of the conversation means you give the other person something to work with. For example, if asked about the weather, don’t give a short answer…this is your chance to embellish. Talk about what you like to do in weather like this. Or talk about your favorite time of year.

Bottom line: You can turn around your previous dread with small talk. You can change small talk into something meaningful and interesting by changing your perspective, questions, and answers.

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. – Eleanor Roosevelt

What are some of your best ideas for surviving small talk? I’d love to hear from you.