When your child is a college-bound high school senior, you want them to be prepared so that when they enter college, they are part of the 50% that eventually graduates with a degree. You’ve spent years helping them with study skills, taught them right from wrong, and worked tirelessly to mold them into capable, academic young adults. At this time of year, they are just over one finish line and preparing to take a giant leap off to college. As their parent, your job is just about done…but wait!

In the rush to prepare for college academically, it’s essential not to overlook vital survival skills that are less well-known but crucial for students’ success. These skills include resilience, self-advocacy, and problem-solving. Students also need to learn how to balance their newfound independence with increasing personal responsibilities, such as remembering to eat, maintaining basic hygiene, managing finances, and doing laundry. If your student has ADHD, it’s crucial to ensure they take their medication. Failing to master these essential life skills can undermine academic success and test-taking strategies, potentially leading to students leaving college before Thanksgiving break!

As a parent, how can you support your ADHD college student in transitioning successfully to college without nagging or giving unwelcome advice? How can you continue to be a part of their greatest support system and provide guidance as they navigate these murky waters? The answer is to become their “coach” even before they transition to college. You want to be a supportive, motivating, empowering parent coach and avoid being nagging or judgmental. At this time in an ADHD student’s life, parents need to take a step back, land the helicopter, and allow their student to take on the responsibility of being prepared academically and with the life skills they will need to succeed at college. But how?

During the very limited months between high school senioritis and their first semester at college, parents need to take a back seat, or at least ride shotgun, in a way that empowers their college-bound student to stay in the driver’s seat. During this brief time of transition, they can begin to test the waters independently and develop a solid confidence in their resourcefulness, which is essential to succeeding in one of the most significant transitions yet in their (and your) lives.

To help you transition from a well-intentioned, helpful parent to an empowering parent coach, consider adding these ADHD life coaching strategies to your parenting style:

1. Replace caution with curiosity. You have done all you can to teach your child about safety, to trust their gut, and to make healthy decisions.  Now, it’s time to replace words of caution with curiosity. For instance, ask them how they plan to stay safe on campus rather than nagging your soon-to-be college freshman to stay on the lighted paths, always make curfew, or travel in pairs. Instead, strengthen their problem-solving skills by asking, “What happens when you don’t make dorm curfew? Or, “Who would be good to pair off with when it comes to socializing?” Being curious, eliciting their input, and problem-solving with your students helps reinforce a life’s worth of parenting, increases their confidence, and might even reassure you that they have been paying attention to what you have been saying all these years.

2. Advocate self-advocacy. This is the time to practice letting go as parents and letting your students grow in the experience of taking responsibility and learning to self-advocate. Increased self-awareness of how they learn and what helps them learn best prepares them to enter college, knowing if, when, and who to ask about accommodations if needed. In college, students are responsible for asking for accommodations if needed. Letting them take on the job of scheduling and attending doctor’s appointments alone has them stepping up and owning their health and increases the likelihood that they will continue to do so after they leave your sight. Becoming comfortable with these small and big steps will have them ready to navigate the more significant self-advocacy issues in college, such as creating their schedule with their counselor or setting ground rules with dorm mates.

3. Ask “who, how, what, and when” rather than “why”.  “Why” questions typically put anyone on the defensive, making us feel like we have to explain ourselves. Asking questions that do not start with “why” helps your student explore their solutions and practice their own problem-solving skills. Rather than asking, “Why are you taking beginning basket weaving in your first semester?” ask, “How will basket weaving help you reach your goals?” Or, “What is it about basket weaving that is interesting to you?” Or “Who might you be able to talk with to find out about options similar to basket weaving?” Or “I wonder, when is the best time in your curriculum to take basket weaving.” Removing “why” from your vocabulary removes defensiveness from theirs.

4. Encourage action. Taking one small action step as soon as possible is a good answer when uncertainty, overwhelm, or indecision seem about to take over. The sooner your student can take even one small action step, the more likely they will use that momentum to solve whatever problem arises. As a parent coach, you can brainstorm small steps your students can take when they feel stuck. For instance, ask them, “What is the outcome they want?” Gaining clarity about the goal helps to eliminate the multitude of rabbit holes that persons with ADHD can go down in search of answers. Ask, “What small step can they take today towards solving the dilemma?” gets them in motion and acknowledges that sometimes several steps are needed for full resolution. Additionally, asking, “What information do they need to solve this problem,” or “Who might be able to help them?” further closes the gap to success and increases their awareness of available resources.  It goes without saying that there are many ways your student will continue to need you to be involved…sending a gift box during finals, slipping a bit extra into their account to acknowledge their hard work, or just a quick text to tell them ‘thanks” for letting you know how that last test went.  This type of parenting will empower and encourage them to problem solve similarly next time, keep you in the loop, so you are not agonizingly calling the college, dean, administration, etc., about their well-being.

5. Know the rules, but let your student play the game. As your student’s parent coach, it is helpful if you are knowledgeable about some of the school’s policies, requirements, deadlines, administrative structure, etc. Your job is to enhance your student’s ability to be resourceful and point them to where to find the information they need. For instance, if your student is unsure about registration dates, you might offer, “I noticed an academic calendar on the website. You might want to check it out.” Or perhaps they call in a panic, having forgotten their key and are locked out of their dorm room (it happens). It’s OK to acknowledge the problem with “how inconvenient” and then to ask them, “Who might have another key to your room?” or “Who might know how to get your room unlocked?” Or “Where can you hang out until your roommate arrives?” Remember that you are trying to help your students to be independent, use their resources, and be problem solvers. Chances are high that they will not be the first nor last to encounter certain troublesome situations.

6. Keep communication open: Keep the lines of communication open. Being available to answer questions, respond to requested advice, or teach a new skill is very different from enabling and doing it for our soon-to-be adult children. Challenge yourself by remaining nonjudgmental and available for your child if they have questions. Remember to encourage their independence, problem-solving, resiliency, and resourcefulness as they explore their answers and help you stay out of the “nag” zone.

College is a magical time for both students and parents.

As the responsibilities and relationships change, both sides are growing in new ways. Your student is entering one of the most exciting times of their lives. Applying the skills and mindset of a “parent coach” to support, empower, and encourage your student allows both of you to enjoy this journey.

I would love to hear about your experiences with your transition to college. Let me know what worked and what didn’t below.